Parashat Vayera
In this week's Parasha, Sarah is standing at the entrance of the tent. One of the guests tells Avraham that this time next year she'll have a son. She's almost ninety. He's ninety-nine. And she laughs to herself:
וַתִּצְחַק שָׂרָה בְּקִרְבָּהּ לֵאמֹר אַחֲרֵי בְלֹתִי הָיְתָה לִּי עֶדְנָה וַאדֹנִי זָקֵן
"Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I have grown old, will I have this joy? And my husband is old." (Bereishit 18:12)
A moment later, Hashem speaks to Avraham:
וַיֹּאמֶר ה' אֶל אַבְרָהָם לָמָּה זֶּה צָחֲקָה שָׂרָה לֵאמֹר הַאַף אֻמְנָם אֵלֵד וַאֲנִי זָקַנְתִּי
"Why did Sarah laugh, saying, Will I really give birth, now that I am old?" (18:13)
That isn't what she said. She said he was old. Rashi explains:
שִׁנָּה הַכָּתוּב מִפְּנֵי הַשָּׁלוֹם, שֶׁהֲרֵי הִיא אָמְרָה וַאדֹנִי זָקֵן
"The Torah changed her words for the sake of peace, because she had said, 'My husband is old.'"
The Gemara learns from here, in the name of the school of Rabbi Yishmael, that peace is so great that Hashem Himself changed the words for it (Bava Metzia 87a).
Think about that. Sarah didn't insult him. She said something true, quietly, in her heart.
And still Hashem made sure it never reached Avraham.
Because Hashem knows how a man hears a line like that.
Ladies, most men will never tell you this.
A man can take a hard day at work. He can take a lost deal, a tough partner, a long week.
What goes deepest is a small comment from his wife. "You never plan anything." "He's not exactly the romantic type." A laugh with her sister at his expense. She meant nothing by it. He carries it for days.
It usually happens like this.
It's Erev Shabbat. She's on the phone with her sister, the food's in the oven, and he walks in just as she laughs, "You know him. He always forgets." She doesn't even remember saying it. He's still thinking about it at dinner.
Inside almost every man, there's a quiet voice asking, "Am I getting it right?"
When the comment comes from the person whose opinion matters most to him, that voice gets loud.
And it isn't only what you say to him. It's what you say about him.
To your mother. To your friends. In front of the kids.
Hashem guarded Avraham's heart against a sentence Sarah spoke only to herself. Your words about your husband travel farther than you think.
If Hashem changed Sarah's words to keep peace between a husband and wife, we can change a few of ours.
This Shabbat, try this.
When one of the kids does something kind: “You know who you get that from? Daddy.”
When someone asks a question at the table: “Ask Daddy. He’ll know.”
“Daddy, tell them the story about the time you...” Then let him tell it, and laugh in the right places.
After Kiddush, just: “That was beautiful.”
“Kids, you’re so lucky. You have an amazing dad.”
Then watch him.
A man who hears his wife speak well of him stands taller. He tries harder, because now he knows it counts.
Husbands, when she does it, don't let it pass. Look at her and tell her how much you appreciate it.
Shabbat Shalom,
Zooky
Isaac (Zooky) Jemal is a marriage coach in Deal, New Jersey, who has worked with more than 500 couples over 20 years. jemalcoaching.com
