Parashat Haye Sarah
In this week’s Parashah, Rivka has traveled for days to marry a man she has never seen.
Yitzhak is out in the field, toward evening, praying Minha.
וַיֵּצֵא יִצְחָק לָשׂוּחַ בַּשָּׂדֶה לִפְנוֹת עָרֶב וַיִּשָּׂא עֵינָיו וַיַּרְא וְהִנֵּה גְמַלִּים בָּאִים
“Yitzhak went out to pray in the field toward evening. He lifted his eyes and saw, and there were camels coming.” (Bereishit 24:63)
וַתִּשָּׂא רִבְקָה אֶת עֵינֶיהָ וַתֵּרֶא אֶת יִצְחָק וַתִּפֹּל מֵעַל הַגָּמָל
“And Rivka lifted her eyes, and she saw Yitzhak, and she got down from the camel.” (24:64)
He lifted his eyes.
She lifted her eyes.
The Torah could have simply said they saw one another, but it didn’t.
When you lift your eyes, you’re not just glancing.
You pause, look up, and truly take in what’s in front of you.
Rivka showed it the day Eliezer met her. He asked for a little water.
She looked at him, saw ten tired camels behind him, and kept running back to the well until every one of them had enough.
Nobody asked her to. She saw it and acted on what was in front of her.
Yitzhak learned it from his father.
וַיִּשָּׂא עֵינָיו וַיַּרְא וְהִנֵּה שְׁלֹשָׁה אֲנָשִׁים נִצָּבִים עָלָיו
“He lifted his eyes and saw, and there were three men standing near him.” (18:2)
Avraham sat at the door of his tent in the heat of the day, lifted his eyes, and saw three guests most people would have walked right past.
Now think about how we look at each other.
Most couples I sit with tend to look for what’s missing or wrong.
Each one is waiting for their own needs to be met. And while they wait, they keep score of everything the other one isn’t doing.
Meanwhile, all the things the other one is doing, every single day, go unnoticed.
And half the time, we’re not really looking at all.
It usually happens like this.
He walks in from work. She’s at the stove. “How was your day?”
“Fine.” She never turned around.
He never stopped walking.
Two people in the same kitchen, and neither one was there.
Here’s what I’ve seen over twenty years.
When a husband and wife look each other in the eyes while they talk, something changes.
She feels seen.
He feels like what he says matters.
Yitzhak and Rivka looked at each other before they said a single word. Look what came after:
וַיְבִאֶהָ יִצְחָק הָאֹהֱלָה שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ וַיִּקַּח אֶת רִבְקָה וַתְּהִי לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה וַיֶּאֱהָבֶהָ
“Yitzhak brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother. He took Rivka, she became his wife, and he loved her.” (24:67)
First he saw her. Then he brought her in. Then he loved her.
This Shabbat, try this.
When you speak to each other, make eye contact.
Stop what you’re doing, turn around, and look into her eyes.
Look into his eyes.
Even when you ask, “Can you pass the salt?”
Keep it going all through Shabbat.
You’ll both be surprised by what happens.
Shabbat Shalom,
Zooky
Isaac (Zooky) Jemal is a marriage coach in Deal, New Jersey, who has worked with more than 500 couples over 20 years. jemalcoaching.com
